The New New Blog

ML’s latest satirical column on Bloomberg.

Each year, for example, Goldman Sachs might announce a grand national competition, much like “American Idol.” Finalists will appear before a national television audience to be judged by a panel of three  rather ordinary  looking Goldman executives. On stage they will perform various Wall Street tricks: negotiating with Tim Geithner, lobbying the Senate Banking Committee, designing securities that blow up, selling bonds to Germans, etc.

The winner receives a job at Goldman Sachs.

ML takes a jab at the almighty Goldman Sachs in his latest satirical column on Bloomberg. Tip of the hat to Matt Taibbi’s article in this month’s Rolling Stone about Goldman:

Rumor No. 5: Goldman Sachs is “a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.”

Those words are of course taken from a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine and they are transparently false.

For starters, the vampire squid doesn’t feed on human flesh. Ergo, no vampire squid would ever wrap itself around the face of humanity, except by accident. And nothing that happens at Goldman Sachs — nothing that Goldman Sachs thinks, nothing that Goldman Sachs feels, nothing that Goldman Sachs does –ever happens by accident.